So we decided to go down to two days a week in day care, from three. And we re-hired our wonderful nanny for the third day. That all starts next week. So NATURALLY, I was up all night worried about Did We Make The Right Decision, etc etc. Of course it didn't help (well, it did, but you know...) that H had a fabulous, wonderful, great day in day care. Loves his teacher. Happy as can be. So tired out from crawling around all day that he fell asleep in his high chair at meal time. So I'm all, maybe he does love day care! Maybe we should have stuck with three days! Remorse! Regret! Wah! Maybe our wonderful nanny is actually not as great as orphanage care! All that stuff about she will give him one-on-one care and take him out into the community and stuff? Who cares! Winter is coming anyway.
And I really should not make sentences that begin with "see the thing is...." when I have not slept well and have not had coffee yet, but I think the thing is that my work just kind of sucks right now. If I had, say, coworkers, and projects and stuff I would love having H just across the street from me and go snuggle at lunch and such. Heck, even five days a week might work if I had that. But I really just have an office there right across the street from the orphanage. I'm a student, and no one really knows what to do with those. My two advisers? One has moved away to another university and the other one is so so busy that it's not even worth talking about. One hour a month is what I get there, no water cooler stuff, trips to the coffee shop, hellos in the hallway. There are a few students I see from time to time but we are all working independently. So it's really awfully lonely and not like "going to work" at all. It's really just dropping him off and then going to sit by myself in an office.
I know that this is the way it "is" at the dissertation-finishing time. But still. I think that's why it's so hard, feeling like an office fraud and subjecting not just myself but baby too to boring confined time in small spaces.
Dude, there's always something, isn't there?