Monday, September 29, 2008

I'm no mathematician, but...

I just finished reading the first Twilight book. Me not being the target demographic and all, it would likely be my only foray into this series but the glorious woman who lent it to me lent me the first three books, so I reserve the right to read the second one just out of inertia. Either way I'm proud of myself because I figure it's good for me to know what THE YOUNG PEOPLE are reading these days. You know, when Hugo's girlfriends start begging him to turn them into someone JUST LIKE HIM so they can be together and he can SAVE THEM because they smell good.

After book one, I'm left with a burning question. Why have vampires not taken over the earth? Think about it: they live forever. They are extremely difficult to kill. They create new vampires by eating people. They have been around since forever. But wait, you say! Maybe they don't eat that much. But even if they all ate just once a month, that's 12 new vamps a year, and each of the new vamps they create by eating needs to eat, and then each of the new ones they create by eating needs to eat. See where I'm going with this? It's, like, exponential.

So what's with the vampire population, yo? (I'm all down with the parlance of the young, you see? The very cool-looking lady who took care of us at Fred Meyer--solely the land of the married driving breeders as near as I can tell, no hip urban half-chicken buyers here pedestrian-ing in on their way home from edgy jobs on the way out to clubs, nosiree bob--H and I told her about the THREE GARBAGE TRUCKS in the parking lot, and she said, oh snap. I swear it was the first time I ever heard anybody actually say that out loud. Snap).

But I digress. I'll totally buy the plot twist, whatever it is. Like on this exchange from Thank You For Smoking. (Jeff Megall played by Rob Lowe).

Jeff Megall: Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're looking to make.
Nick Naylor: Cigarettes in space?
Jeff Megall: It's the final frontier, Nick.
Nick Naylor: But wouldn't they blow up in an all oxygen environment?
Jeff Megall: Probably. But it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the... you know, whatever device.'

Or like in Doctor Who, when he says that all the aliens speak English, not because they speak English but because they all have a language decoder thingy so everyone hears the dialogue in their own language. I buy that. It doesn't take much. I'm practically BEGGING to be told a tale so I can escape.

What's the plot deal to get around this vampire issue? Any ideas? Or do you know? Because I should be a vampire by now, according to my calculations. (And since I have a PhD I can now say things like back of the envelope and re-SEARCH and let's wait to see what the data show--not shows--us with a straight face).

And did I mention that she wrote those books with young kids at home? Holy crap, I'm impressed. Seriously.

13 comments:

Kristen M. said...

Hmm ... maybe the werewolves and mummies and frankensteins are keeping the vampire populations in check.

justhay said...

Perhaps they are picky about who they convert.

It's show? Really. Not shows? Well blow me down. Guess that is why YOU have the phD, and I....don't.

Bea said...

To become a vampire, you have to be bitten AND survive. That happens very rarely because vampires have crappy self-control (except for Edward - sigh, Edward) and once they bite you, you're basically done for.

Anne-Marie said...

I second Bea. And if you read the second book you'll learn about the vampires "mortal" enemies... keeping their population in check.
I'm about to start the third book myself...

Jen Anderson said...

Bea's got it. Most people bitten by vampires die from it because the vamps drain their victims completely--clean plate club and all that.

Nowheymama said...

She wrote a whole series of books with young kids at home? What a slacker I am.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

My book group read it just to see what the hulabaloo was. Personally, I was sort of "meh." I do get a nice brunch at Chateau Orleans out of it, so that's worth it.

Misty said...

i am completely not in the typical demographic either. I also don't buy her story (how/when she wrote them) but whatever... that's not the point.

I don't think she's a great writer (despite having a degree in english lit) but I think she crafts a very compelling relationship (hence the huge obsession)...

Maybe because they like the hiding, quiet, down low part of their lives. If they took over the world- then what?

MamaBird said...

Have not read them (how do mothers read books much less write them) but have you seen First Blood, new HBO series abt vamps? Good stuff.

Maggie, Dammit said...

She explains it later. Basically there is a police force. Or something, I've already forgotten.

I love the idea of Hugo wanting to save young women. ;)

Stacy said...

Ha! Love it. My first response was to say, "Well, I'm already a vampire. You're not? I thought everyone was!" :)

But I see from the other comments that the author explains it. They did something similar in Buffy -- not everyone a vampire bites turns into a vampire; only if the vampire wants to "sire" them.

Mac and Cheese said...

...so why aren't there more reported deaths by blood draining? It still doesn't add up.

the new girl said...

If you read the Sookie Stackhouse books (by Charlaine Harris)...in those books, people most often live after being bitten by a vampire.

They only kill when they're 'new' and after that, they only need 'sips' to survive. Plus, they have to 'turn' a person to make a new vampire.