Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Nora raises eyebrows at life insurance man, changes nothing

To be fair, he bought us coffee. And we bought his product (just so you know how it ends). And he didn't wear a short sleeve oxford shirt or try to scare us with stories of orphanages or anything. Overall, he was nice. A bit young, though. Like 12.

He's all, Nora. if Jeff died today, it would cost approximately $700 bajillion to maintain your current quality of life. You can see I've graphed it here for you, the red line. Or, you could go with $600 bajillion and still have a pretty good quality of life. That's the blue line.

And then he's all, Jeff. if Nora died today YOU WOULD BE FINE FINANCIALLY. JUST FINE. But we do recommend approximately $2 in coverage so you can pay her funeral expenses without having to tap too much into your piles of cash. I've graphed that here as the yellow line to show how YOU WOULD BE JUST FINE. But you can get a little something, you know, if you want. Totally optional.

First I'm all, ok. A little high from the strange comfort of being in the presence of men who have gathered to look earnestly after my welfare. I've been a student for awhile. My job hasn't started yet. I take care of our precious baby. Then I'm all, WAIT! Jeff would be SO not able to maintain his current quality of life if I died today. And I'm not even talking about crippling grief.

Mothers would cost $134,000 a year if fathers had to pay them. I say this. And Jeff looks at me, I think he feels my eyebrows twitching. And he's all, I assume I would have to pay someone more than we pay now to take care of Hugo if you died. And I'm all ha! And the housekeeping! And the shopping! And the cleaning! Ha! Ha! Full time nanny/housekeepers cost a lot of money, you know. And you have to pay them benefits too. Put that on your yellow line, insurance man.

(I perchance overestimate my value as a housecleaner here. Whatever it is it's higher than Jeff's.)

And then I raise my eyebrow at him. A meaningless gesture on my part that carries no clout whatsoever. I'm so not one of those women who causes anything to happen, or anyone to cower, by raising an eyebrow. Where is Catherine Zeta-Jones when you need her? But I did it anyway. And I'm all, you might want to remember this conversation with your future clients, and not tell them their spouse would be just fine if they died. I think I said it out loud, anyway. I was kind of drugged by all the male protectiveness and I sort of wanted to bake them a pie.

And the insurance man is all, good point, Nora. I didn't think of that. So yes, Jeff, you could use your $2 upon Nora's death to pay a nanny. Or something. He doesn't suggest upping it to $3. But he does look a little bit contrite. Or maybe that's his job.

So I spend the rest of the meeting overcompensating for my worthlessness by over-professionalizing myself and mentioning how pretty soon I'm going to be earning my own money and I can always get another policy then and oh I'll need to see the list of things you test for with the blood sample because I'm an expert in genetic testing and other drivel.

31 comments:

Kristen M. said...

Hah. It at least sounds like this guy is a bit more scrupulous than the person I talked to. They suggested the exact same amount for each of us. So if he dies, I could pay off the house and hopefully make it through until the kid leaves the house. If I die, he could make a lump on the other side of the bed out of hundred dollar bills and feel the loss of his darling wife.

We didn't sign up on that one.

justhay said...

Lol, always nice to know your value! This cracked me up!

Melissa said...

Our agent, a woman of course, had all of that figured out. So I have a policy that covers all of those things that spouse would miss out on, with the exception of love and companionship of course. But yeah, it's a little sad to see your worth spelled out like that...sigh...

jonniker said...

Oh yes. We're going through that dance now, too. If Adam died, STOP THE PRESSES. WE WILL ALL DIE FROM POVERTY.

If I died, apparently there would be but a mild glitch in the system, and everyone would go on happily ever after.

Thank you, Mr. Insurance Man, for reminding me of my pathetic earnings as a writer. I felt like screaming that no, really! I once worked in Corporate America and made a lot of money! Before I became a journalist! I swear!

But I don't think he believed me.

Nowheymama said...

"I was kind of drugged by all the male protectiveness and I sort of wanted to bake them a pie."

HA!

smalltownmom said...

An atypical insurance agent, since he didn't try to sell you more coverage.

Lisa Milton said...

He didn't think of that...12 year old doofus forgets that babies don't exactly raise themselves.

I'm glad you recovered from the twitch.

It would have irked me for days.

Irene said...

That reminds me of the time when I needed a new vacuum cleaner and the salesman made this huge sales pitch to my then husband. I was very affronted and told him so. It's so demeaning to just be 'the little woman.'

togetherforgood said...

Life insurance gives me the willies.

Way to not buckle to the pressure. If you're going to bake a pie, share it with us.

Misty said...

well good for you, pointing out the truth that men just don't stop to think about...

She She said...

Hmmm? What did you say? I'm sorry, I was distracted by those cheeks. Those cheeks!

Cori@SAHMbles said...

Ooohhh! We had the exact same converstation.

Olive S. Oyl said...

Yah. Sigh. Doesn't help that my earning power went from nonprofit worker to teacher (my boss LAUGHED when I went back to school and said "Hey, you found the only profession that could pay you less $!") to SAHM. So yes, our policies may resemble yourn. We mommies? Irreplaceable. There's a cheezy credit card ad in there somewheres. This is the blogger formerly known as MamaBird, btw. ;)

Grandy said...

Sweet pic...And sweet Slow-Cook Thursday (a day early).

You need not feel you are exagerating your worth, Nora. The things you offer your hubby is PRICELESS. ;)

Mrs. G. said...

One of your best posts ever. Lucky me, I think I'm insured for $5.50. But I'm older and closer to death.

Thanks for doing SCT.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Your Slow Cook was sooooo cool. I REALLY love the poem you picked. And Hugo? Cutest little dude ever.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Trotting out your Sunday best for Slow Cook Thursday, eh? Well done.

mrs. blogoway said...

Hi Nora! Found you via Mrs. G
I like your site. I read your post on Facebook and had to giggle. I know what you mean. I'm glad I'm on there, because I've reconnected with tons of friends, but it annoys me that it shows up on my homepage on there when someone becomes
a "fan" of Sarah Palin. I just don't want to see that first thing in the morning:-)

Rebekah said...

Another Mrs. G Fan who is now a Nora Bee fan. You made me cry before coffee today - good job! And I'm so GLAD Mrs. G led me to your blog.

Who asked you? said...

I just found you by way of Mrs. G. Loved reading your stuff but I have I to say up front that William and Harry are mine. I am just sure the reason William hasn't married yet is because he just hasn't met the right 40ish woman yet. As soon as I can get medicated enough to take a plane across the pond I will make his dreams come true. I want that crown!

susan said...

You wanted to bake them pie? I'd be all, go out and clean the gutters, that leaky pipe under the sink and clean out the garage while you are at it. Then *maybe* they can have a slice of Sara Lee's finest. (I guess I wouldn't cut it in a romance novel, eh?)

phd in yogurtry said...

Enjoyed your slow cook. How good to be neighbors with Mrs G!

A little story of big regret: When I was in grad school, I used to drive by this Holiday Inn with a Marquee announcing "Lyle Lovett at the Piano Bar." I would think "what a lounge act that must be!" and kept on driving. Even after being told, "you have to see Lyle Lovett, he's really good!" I drove on by. FOOL.

Jodi said...

I detest meeting with insurance agents. It's all about the fear...eh? I think it would have gone better with pie. Then who'd see how much you're worth?

sarah bean said...

Hmph, no pie for him, I say!
Twelve year olds these days, jeez.

Mama Nomad said...

He didn't THINK OF THAT? Way to crunch to the numbers, doof...Motherhood is soooo undervalued.

I like your blog. I am adding you to my bloggy mamas list! So there.

AND I just returned from vacationing in Seattle and it was grand. The Sci-Fi museum blew our socks off.

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Melissa said...

I'll pay you FIVE dollars to do my shopping and cleaning! :)

(Oh, and a viagra comment seems to have found its way into your blog. Right there... right above mine. See it?)

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