Friday, February 6, 2009
The big news is that I asked to cut back to part time at my job, and the answer is no. I'm a little shocked, despite all the evidence that this would be the answer. I am to make a decision in the next weeks here as to whether I will agree to stay on full-time or resign.
My usual pattern of trying not to let any door close under any circumstance has slammed up against the complete unsustainability of our current family situation. Something must give. It's not the kind of choice I really "do" very gracefully.
So. A big choice! Kind of exciting, in a panic-attack-inducing sort of scone-baking fantasy sort of way. Because what if I don't get something ELSE? There is a little problem with the economy, last I checked. What if I am just being a big COMPLAINER and I should just get over it?
The thing is--here's the thing--I would love to quit, I likely will, and I suspect my employer has done me a favor. The reasons I can think of to stay on given their expectation of full-time are purely financial. Purely. And it's a postdoc, so not even THAT financial. I do suspect that there may be a problem with "fit" and etc etc all those professional-type things people say in meetings in between bites of baby carrot. Whether the "fit" problem is between me and this particular job or this entire industry remains to be seen. Or between this industry, Jeff's, and family life as we value it. Maybe I will never know.
My son, oh, to be with him more would make my heart sing. To have time to shop and prepare good whole foods for my family? The hills are alive... to be able to take my PhD by the tail and make it work for me instead of the other way around? ...with the sound of music...
But actually leaving? It would still feel like a failure and scare me to pieces. It would be all stressful and self-doubt and second-guessing and social comparison and doors-slamming-shut wah wah feeling. Enough that I might actually try to stick it out for awhile longer. Am I an idiot? Don't answer that.
So there you have it. A big choice here in the next few weeks.