Saturday, February 21, 2009

Dragging on

I have been waiting to update here until I had The Answer. I would quit! Leave it all behind! Ha ha, it would all be clear and I would impart some great wisdom.

What has instead happened is my boss has been traveling so I have had a lot of time to think, and--why do I always do this?--ask other people for advice. What a wild ride that is. I love hearing other people's stories, but entering all those worlds can be disorienting. I've been warned not to quit, risking the direst consequences for my career. If nothing else, the economy! I'm lucky to have anything, after all. I've been told to take control of my fellowship and only work the hours I can, reshape the discussion to one of productivity. Ha! Where would you all be without me here at WC, which is where I would not be if I was being productive by crunching out manuscripts at home?

I have also conjured up a couple offers for temporary, part-time work, maybe just maybe even at my current workplace. So I can leave and go TO something, thank heavens.

Not surprisingly, the extra time has added humanity and complexity to the whole thing. My coworkers have been surprisingly supportive. They have come forward with stories of their own lives and assured me there will be no hard feelings if I go.

The only time I ever quit a job so soon after starting was at Uncle Sam's roadside ice cream stand at age 15, when I discovered that I could not produce a soft-serve cone with any symmetry or skill, and the boss and I just sort of said, okay bye. So I've been sick about DISAPPOINTING them or somehow being a FAILURE--what a waste of energy that is, eh? I'm learning to let go of that. I have enough to do.

Holy crap, I can see why most people don't follow their hearts. It's excrutiating! A great leap of faith. I imagine, though, that in the end I will be one of them.


Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

This is some angst-y stuff.

I know you will find your own way...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Don't you sometimes envy people who don't practice introspection?

phd in yogurtry said...

Having a child changes all, doesn't it?

Misty said...

those times when we are waiting for just the right leadings (or doors) to open, (or neon signs to blaze) really do feel so painfully long.

All Adither said...

Oh, Misty said it well.

And yes, it is excrutiating. Hang in. The right decision will make itself known, though probably quietly and without fanfare.

Katie said...

Life is excruciating. Good luck.

JoLyn said...

Nora, I've been back-reading your posts - I love, love the way you write!

It's really interesting to read through the process you are going through as you decide what to do (about work/not work)BACKWARDS. I feel your pain. I appreciate your candor as you work through it.

I can tell you are one talented gal. Any employer is lucky to have you.

The MOST lucky one to have you? That cute little tyke with the blueberries all over his lips!

As the mother of mostly grown kids, I'm telling you - he's going to turn into a teenager (read obnoxious....I didn't say that) before you know it!

Enjoy every precious second!

Anonymous said...

quite interesting read. I would love to follow you on twitter.

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