So I go against ALL my principles today and go into the MALL. The mall! In December! Why on earth would I do that? Because SOMEBODY wanted a holiday tie to wear to his festive casual holiday party tonight (again, I ask, what the hell is that?).
This isn't even ABOUT how I'm intimidated by well-dressed stay-at-home mothers traipsing around the fancy malls, three BOB strollers wide, so much so that I want to faint. Nor is it about how the crowds make me want to pastry-eat myself into numb oblivion. It's really about the stupid tie.
Aren't holiday ties like EVERYWHERE? And wouldn't you think that in Seattle, especially, where nobody wears ties, like EVER, that there would be a boom in the market for holiday-themed ties? Especially in Seattle, where all the ironic ex- and future-barista songwriters masquerading as software engineers bust out the festive casual once a year? I would have thought a nice Santa tie over a consignment-store bowling shirt at the ol' work holiday party would be all the rage. I am wrong, so wrong.
I went to the consignment shops yesterday. Not a single holiday tie to be had anywhere. Not even a candy cane. Which made me even more convinced that the fancy mall must be full of them. Holiday ties are so popular that nobody gives them away! Ha. Ha ha, Nora. Loser.
At Macy's they just looked at me like I had three heads. The temp holiday help guy (prolly a songwriter) sends me to the other guy. That guy sends me to the head lady, she wants to know if we have holiday ties. The lady is all, we really ummm don't. And then she's all (and I can tell it pained her to say it) I think you have to get those at bazzaars and Christmas fairs and things. To be nice, or possibly to humiliate me, she sends me down the hall to the "young men's" section where there is a scraggly display of ties with fire-breathing dragon designs.
Then there is a CHRISTMAS STORE. Even the Christmas store people looked at me like I had made a faux pas. The guy's all, no. That's all he said. No. Meanwhile there are women's sweaters adorned with glitter all around me. Dude.
Nordstrom is my last bet (and closest to the parking lot). Ha ha ha ha ha. I couldn't even find someone to ask. By this point a blog post is already forming in my head, so I resolve to find someone to ask just so I can tell yall what condescending thing they would say, but it was not to be. Nary an associate in sight. Also nary a (*&^ holiday tie in sight. Not even a tasteful small-business-made one with Christmas tree ornament theme.
On the way home we stopped at Walgreens. WALGREENS! And the lady is giving me my photos and trying to sell me batteries and I'm all what I really want is a stupid holiday tie. And she's all, we have some! And she takes me to the Walgreens Holiday Tie Department and I practically kiss her in gratitude and then get a stupid Charlie Brown Christmas Tree tie for $6.99.
But then it was much less fun, because I'm all my mate is going to wear a Walgreens tie with a PRESS HERE button (plays Jingle Bells) to a fifty million dollar house and our songwriter irony will be completely lost on everyone there who will be in tasteful royal purple ermine-lined festive casual robes and the word gauche will be on everyone's lips like in that Dr. Who episode when he says don't you think she looks tired and brings down the UK prime minister.
I just hope they have those little quiches tonight, that's all I have to say.